I sat completely
alone in the church pew. All ninety pounds and five-and-a-half-ish feet of my
skinny frame hunched over trying to be even smaller than I already was. Eyes
closed and head resting on my forearms. Forearms firmly crossed over my knees.
I desperately wanted to disappear.
You wouldn’t think
someone would dread celebrating their sins being washed away by the blood of
the lamb. But I dreaded communion Sunday like the plague. Growing up I loathed
the fourth Sunday of every month because communion wasn’t for me. I hadn’t been
baptized into the church and so I was rightly told that I couldn’t partake of
communion. Instead, I sat in that church pew all alone feeling as though the
eyes of the congregation were boring through my soul.
I felt like it would
rock my little world of Christian friends if they found out that I didn’t
believe the gospel. I couldn’t take and eat of his body broken for me. I couldn’t
live my life for Christ. In some ways I never shook that feeling that I couldn’t
believe, that a life wholly given to Christ wasn’t for me.
I never shook that
feeling until Sunday January 29th, 2017. On that day I was blessed to be
baptized before Church of The Apostles. The ceremony was performed by my
dear friend and mentor Eric Bolash in front of many people I’ve come to know
and love. I finally felt that the Lord’s table was for me. That he was pierced
for my transgressions too, he was crushed for my iniquities; the punishment
that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds I too was healed.
Though I did feel
those things, I can’t say that the heavens opened up and I suddenly knew how to
live my life in new commitment to Christ. That day was a blessing and a turning
point, but it was just a beginning. I want to wake and live every day for
Christ because he died for me. I want to feel Jesus’ love in the depths of my
soul. I want him to be the most real thing in my life. But, even after being
baptized, I can’t do any of those things. Only he can in me. I hope and pray
for the day that he does.
Stephen Sumrall
2016-17 Raleigh Fellow
2016-17 Raleigh Fellow
